As Americans band together in partisan tribes for backyard barbecues within a six block radius of home to avoid spending money on inflationary gas prices this Memorial Day Weekend, millions are taking the day to honor the brave men and women who made the ultimate sacrifice protecting quarterly earnings growth for multinational defense contractors and the S&P 500.
Across the country, tributes are pouring in from citizens solemnly reflecting on the courage of soldiers who gave their all ensuring uninterrupted access to overseas lithium reserves, favorable shipping lanes, and stable emerging markets for institutional investors.
“This day is about remembering our heroes,” says Lockheed Martin regional sales consultant Brad Bush. “Without their sacrifice, we might as well surrender to China and their $10,000 Electric Vehicles, world-class high speed train network, and $300 a month housing rental market right now.”
The Pentagon has authorized all operational aircraft which are not currently deployed to open the straight of Hormuz that was open before the U.S. got involved to do fly bys over red states, where people with generational debt and few employment prospects are easily wowed by propaganda that makes the military industrial complex seem super badass — almost like a monster truck rally, but better.
“Today is about remembering our great service members and the sacrifices they made defending petrochemical interests and the ability of private equity firms to confidently enter foreign markets” says a Qatar-based former Blackwater contractor.
Meanwhile, major retailers are celebrating the occasion with Memorial Day Blowout Events offering up to 70% off patio furniture manufactured in countries destabilized by previous freedom operations.
Sources confirm many Americans remain deeply committed to supporting veterans, particularly through symbolic ribbon magnets, standing ovations at airports, and occasionally liking social media posts about PTSD before voting against expanded healthcare funding.
At press time, Congress had approved another $95 billion military spending package moments after explaining universal healthcare was economically unrealistic.