MEDITERRANEAN SEA — A billionaire technology investor has reportedly experienced a profound spiritual awakening after participating in a private $100,000 ayahuasca ceremony on board, during which he discovered that the workers maintaining his 300-foot megayacht are also divine beings having a human experience and who are worthy of love and empathy.
The investor, who requested anonymity because he is currently negotiating a deal to automate 60% of his workforce, described the experience as “a complete paradigm shift.”
“At one point, I looked into the eyes of the man polishing the blades on my helicopter and realized he was not merely an extension of the yacht,” he explained. “He was a universe unto himself. Just like me.”
The revelation brought the billionaire to tears before he asked his retreat facilitator what was taking so long for the hot towel he had requested.
Since returning from the yacht, the investor has introduced several sweeping reforms across his portfolio companies, including learning the names of each of the executives, allowing staff to make eye contact with him for the first time, and replacing the phrase “human capital” with “human workers” in internal communications.
On the yacht, crew members have welcomed the changes, although several remain concerned about a proposed restructuring that would eliminate their health insurance.
The billionaire has since announced plans to launch a venture-backed psychedelic wellness platform designed to help other ultra-high-net-worth individuals develop empathy without compromising shareholder returns.
“Ultimately, we're all connected,” he said, before instructing the captain to set course for his next retreat.