ATLANTA, GA — In what officials described as a bold step toward "meeting Americans where the majority already get their medical advice," the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Thursday that it has dissolved its Scientific Advisory Board and replaced it with an all-star selection of high-engagement Facebook commenters who frequently post about infectious disease and medical matters.
The newly appointed panel was selected using a proprietary algorithm that prioritized commenters that are extremely confident and who refuse to bend to the whims of globalist health agencies and Bill Gates proxies.
Among the incoming experts are a retired roofing contractor who has over 600,000 documented posts challenging the deep state medical fascism narrative, a woman who trolled the World Health Organization at their annual World Health Assembly in Geneva, and a man who has posted "SOURCE???" beneath every scientific study on his feed since 2020.
"We're excited to bring lived experience into public health," said one CDC spokesperson. "Several members have spent years arguing with epidemiologists online, making them uniquely qualified to replace them in today’s overhaul of scientific and medical institutions."
The board's first recommendations include replacing peer review with reaction emojis, approving treatments according to meme engagement, and introducing a new evidence hierarchy in which screenshots dramatically outrank randomized controlled trials.
Agency insiders say future outbreaks will now be managed through Facebook polls asking users whether pathogens are "real," "fake," or "government psyop."
The move has reportedly inspired other institutions to modernize. NASA is considering replacing aerospace engineers with YouTube flat-Earth influencers, while the Federal Reserve may soon base interest rates on comments under spiritual influencer TikTok videos explaining "how money really works."
At press time, the CDC confirmed that all future public health guidance would be posted exclusively as blurry screenshots containing red circles, yellow arrows, and the caption: "THEY DON'T WANT YOU TO SEE THIS."