LANGLEY, VA — Fresh CIA recruit Harry Garcia arrived at ‘The Farm’ Monday expecting to spend his career seducing foreign diplomats, parachuting into hostile territory, and retrieving mysterious briefcases handcuffed to international arms dealers.
Instead, his supervisor handed him a standing desk, a company-issued MacBook, and a spreadsheet titled "Operation: Comment Section."
"I honestly thought there'd be lasers," Garcia said while attending his third mandatory seminar on meme warfare optimization. "I've spent six months learning surveillance tradecraft only to discover my primary mission is arguing with strangers in Facebook comment sections about regional elections, vaccines, and whether DMT entities are sentient beings or projections of the psychonaut imagination.”
Agency officials reportedly assured the recruit that modern intelligence work had "evolved."
"Why infiltrate governments when you can simply convince millions of people that having universal health care is a Chinese psyop?" explained one senior analyst while simultaneously operating 37 anonymous X accounts and moderating a psychedelic stock subreddit. "It's dramatically more cost-effective."
Internal documents reveal that new recruits now spend nearly 80% of their time generating rage bait, manufacturing AI slop, editing misleading TikToks, and deploying LLM’s to astroturf DEA campaigns to unconstitutionally schedule various low-risk synthetic opioids like SR-17018.
The remaining 20% is reportedly dedicated to replying "source?" beneath legitimate scientific studies.
Several psychedelic influencers later confirmed they had unknowingly spent years arguing with the same CIA employee across Reddit, Instagram, and YouTube.
At press time, Garcia admitted the job had one unexpected perk.
"The dental plan is phenomenal," he said, before logging into his 143rd burner account to accuse a random mycologist of being part of an international microdosing propaganda operation.