INDIANAPOLIS, IN — Just days after joining Eli Lilly's board of directors, Dr. Anthony Fauci reportedly unveiled plans for what insiders are calling the pharmaceutical giant's "most ambitious initiative to date": mandatory dosing of the company’s new 5-MeO-DMT asset BPL-003 as a means of stopping the global spread of mental illness.
According to anonymous executives, every citizen around the world will be required to undergo three dosing sessions of the recently acquired drug candidate once it is rushed through emergency approval by the FDA.
"We're simply following the science," explained one company spokesperson while standing beside a PowerPoint slide titled Peak Shareholder Value. "Current evidence suggests spontaneous mystical experiences are far too inconsistent. Standardized and mandatory consciousness expansion is the logical next step."
The proposal would reportedly require participants to remain in a climate-controlled integration pod at designated FEMA sites until independent observers verify that the mental health crisis has been effectively mitigated in accordance with company timelines.
Wall Street reacted enthusiastically, sending shares of companies that have historically been down 70 to 90% over the last 5 years soaring to 40% down year over year.
Not everyone is convinced.
Market analysts warn that insurance payers are not fully on board with covering the treatment yet, prompting Christian Angermayer to share that he will personally cover every treatment session for up to 4 billion people in exchange for more dinosaur skeletons from previously inaccessible dig sites.
Meanwhile, Silicon Valley founders celebrated the announcement, calling it "the missing piece" in their productivity stacks. Several CEOs immediately added "Board-Certified Ego Dissolution" to their LinkedIn profiles despite never having encountered anything stronger than mushroom coffee.
At press time, Eli Lilly had reportedly clarified that anyone wishing to opt out of the program would first need to complete a mandatory integration workshop explaining why they felt the need to opt out in the first place.