SILVER SPRING, MD — In what officials are calling "the natural evolution of patient-centered care," the FDA unveiled new guidelines Tuesday paving the way for the nation's first drive-through ketamine clinics, promising Americans "the transformative power of dissociation at the speed of Chinese Takeout."
Dubbed KetaLane™, the program aims to reduce treatment wait times while increasing accessibility and scale.
Patients will choose from a digital menu featuring options including the Microdose Menu, Ketamine Family Deal, and a monthly Special K Super Club with rotating deals.
"We've learned consumers value convenience above almost everything else," explained one regulator. "Why should someone have to park, check in, and sit in a waiting room when they can process unresolved childhood trauma from the passenger seat of a 2016 Honda CR-V?"
KetaLane executives made it clear that no one in the drivers seat would be permitted to consume ketamine on site, and that the company is not legally liable for whatever happens after customers leave the drive through lane.
Participating clinics will reportedly feature dual lanes: one for first-time patients and another designated "Experienced Psychonauts Who Promise They're Fine."
The FDA also confirmed that this is not that much of a stretch after hime delivery intramuscular ketamine therapy subscription services established themselves in recent years.
Industry analysts estimate drive-through ketamine could become a $12 billion market by 2028, particularly after insurers announced they would reimburse the treatment after extensive advocacy from Elliot Marseille at UC Berkeley.
Meanwhile, competitors are already rushing to capitalize on the announcement. Uber announced plans for Uber K, while DoorDash confirmed it is exploring "contactless ketamine drops" pending legal review.