Silver Spring, Maryland— The U.S. Food and Drug Administration has approved psychedelics for use in capitalism, marking a historic breakthrough in the federal government’s ongoing effort to transform the freely abundant gifts of nature into patent-protected and scaleable economic units.
Under the new framework, psychedelics may now be safely incorporated into pharmaceutical companies, wellness startups, executive coaching programs, luxury retreats, consumer packaged goods, venture capital portfolios, and other approved vehicles for converting consciousness into shareholder value so long as the molecules are not accessible in their natural and unadulterated forms.
“This is an important step toward making psychedelics great again,” said an FDA spokesperson.
“Our rigorous analysis of the situation finds that it’s actually the shareholder value which imparts healing rather than the substances or the therapeutic containers themselves.”
The announcement was welcomed by psychedelic companies, investors, consultants, patent attorneys, retreat operators, and LinkedIn thought leaders who have spent the past decade creating front companies and reputation laundering journalism platforms intended to sway public opinion away from sensible drug policy and towards a fascist takeover of consciousness expanding molecules.
Industry analysts say psychedelics could revolutionize mental healthcare while creating unprecedented opportunities for monetizing previously difficult-to-monetize experiences such as ego dissolution, spiritual insight, connection with nature, and realizing you hate your job.
“People often say that you can’t just take psychedelics — you actually have to ‘do the work’; what they don’t often clarify is that ‘doing the work’ is a capitalist construct that requires bootlicking and deference to corporate values,” the spokesperson continued.
Pharmaceutical companies are reportedly developing proprietary psychedelic formulations designed to improve upon mushrooms, which have the unfortunate habit of growing freely without intellectual property protection.
Meanwhile, wellness companies are preparing premium “ancestral healing” packages starting at $5,000, while startups are exploring subscription models allowing consumers to maintain an ongoing relationship with their consciousness.
The FDA emphasized that psychedelics remain subject to rigorous safety standards.
Mushrooms will be required to demonstrate clinical efficacy, manufacturing consistency, therapeutic potential, and—most importantly—scalability.
“We can’t just have ordinary people out there thinking that they’ve found the keys to the universe — we need to gate keep consciousness in order to profit from it,” the spokesperson concluded.