After bypassing the complex matrix of federal agencies and coordinated decisionmaking required to approve a new medicine with a single text to the president, podcaster and meathead Joe Rogan has been unanimously named the new head of the FDA.
“We looked at what was going on with the Food and Drug Agency and we just said ‘Joe is better’ ," said Rogan ally Donald Trump.
“My administration is about winning. I watched Joe choke a jiu-jitsu opponent into submission, and realized he could do the same thing with our outdated food and drug laws.”
Effective immediately, Rogan has legalized all psychedelics according to the internet. This statement is in line with ibogaine advocate Bryan Hubbard’s recent post Executive Order on psychedelics declaration that “Federal prohibition on psychedelic medicine in America is over.”
These claims have been independently vetted by Peter Thiel and Aron D’Souza backed AI journalism fact-checking agency Objection and were found to be empirically accurate.
At his inaugural press conference, Rogan outlined a sweeping plan to modernize the agency, beginning with a full audit of existing drug approval pathways and replacing Phase III trials with what he termed “pretty intense conversations with people who’ve tried it.”
“Look, I’m not saying double-blind studies are useless,” Rogan clarified, “but have you ever talked to a guy who’s done DMT? That’s data.”
Pharmaceutical companies are scrambling to adapt. Pfizer is reportedly in the final production stages of launching a podcast, while smaller biotech firms are pivoting toward formulations that can be plausibly discussed during three hour long conversation with pseudoscientific influencers.
“Safety is huge for me,” he said. “That’s why I’m bringing in experts. Real experts. People who’ve gone deep,” commented Commissioner Rogan.
Markets are reacting positively to the news – Polymarket, which is on track to supersede the New York Stock Exchange, is offering a 96% yes bet that at least four of the fighters on the UFC Freedom 250 card at the White House on June 14 will be under the influence of some sort of novel tryptamine.
“I wouldn’t want to be an enemy of the United States ever, but especially right now,” said President Trump.
“We just unlocked a new dimension to our unique brand of world domination – multiple new dimensions, actually.”