MENLO PARK, CA — After years of aggressively harvesting user data, destabilizing democracies, and incentivizing brain rot and doomscrolling, Meta announced Tuesday the launch of Metamorphosis, a new social media platform designed specifically for cannabis users and psychedelic content.
According to company executives, Metamorphosis will provide a "safe digital container" where users can document every mushroom trip in real time, tag other people mid-ceremony, and deepen their connection with strangers who they just met an ayahuasca retreat.
"Meta’s existing platforms are not serving cannabis and psychedelic brands, trappers, and soccer moms trying to get lit on a microdosing protocol ," said the CFO at Metamorphosis, who is actually an AI agent side hustling for some extra tokens. "Metamorphosis combines the mindfulness of cannabis and psychedelic culture with a business model designed to please the algorithm at any cost."
Features include an Integration Feed that automatically converts every life event into a lesson about shadow work, a Consciousness Marketplace where users can compare ceremonial facilitators by follower count, and a proprietary AI chatbot trained exclusively on Terence McKenna quotes, Burning Man Facebook groups, and LinkedIn thought leadership posts from executives who previously raised tens of millions of dollars during the 2021 psychedelic hype bubble yet realized few returns outside of a couple shareholder binge parties at Six Senses Ibiza.
The platform's most anticipated feature, however, may be its "Authenticity Score," which ranks users based on the number of times they’ve posted performative photos in the aftermath of a plant medicine ceremony.
Industry observers say the launch represents a natural evolution for both Big Tech and modern psychedelic culture.
"For years we've watched social media transform every human experience into content," said one venture capitalist who recently invested in six separate mushroom startups. "Turning spiritual awakening into an engagement funnel was really the last untapped market."
At press time, thousands of users had already joined Metamorphosis and were celebrating the platform's arrival by posting lengthy essays about transcending social media while simultaneously asking followers to like, comment, subscribe, and witness their journey.