WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a development that has left both neuroscientists and psychedelic podcasters scrambling to get out their hot takes, Senate veteran Mitch McConnell reportedly emerged from a medically induced coma this week claiming he spent several days being probed and deconstructed by a council of hyper-intelligent mantis entities.
Speaking softly while staring just above the heads of reporters in his trademark thousand yard gaze, McConnell described the insectoid beings as "deeply telepathic and possessive of United States government secrets."
According to sources familiar with the encounter, the mantises were not overly pleased with McConell’s role in curtailing the intoxicating hemp market.
"They said the filibuster parliamentary measure was originally introduced in the Sirius star system as a practical joke, and was never meant to be taken seriously by any advanced civilization" McConnell reportedly explained.
Within minutes of McConnell’s return from the coma to his baseline vegetative state of consciousness, he was reportedly already on Reddit shilling for psychedelic pharma companies under one of his burner accounts.
“The council of mantises say go long on Definium, regardless of the alleged trade secrets theft,” posted an account named ‘CornFedWhiskeyBoy’ on r/Shroomstocks.
The mantis council allegedly offered McConnell access to unlimited cosmic knowledge but first required him to answer a single question:
"What, exactly, does the Senate Parliamentarian do?"
Witnesses say McConnell remained silent with punctuations of heavy mouth breathing fits for several hours before the entities gently escorted him back to Earth.
Government officials declined to comment on the incident, though several intelligence agencies confirmed they are "monitoring mantis-related developments with cautious interest."
At press time, the mantis entities had reportedly issued a brief follow-up communiqué clarifying that they have observed humanity for millennia but would appreciate not being blamed every time someone has a weird trip after eating eight grams of Melmac mushrooms in a Holiday Inn.