SILICON VALLEY — In a potentially devastating development for the psychedel mushroom industry, new research suggests mushrooms may actually work best when people stop trying to turn them into billion-dollar businesses.
The findings, published in the Journal of Things Venture Capitalists Don't Want to Hear About, indicate that fungi have been thriving for hundreds of millions of years without subscription models, influencer partnerships, or proprietary extraction technologies.
Researchers reportedly made the discovery after observing a group of mushrooms growing freely in a forest without attempting to establish a personal brand, secure seed funding, or disrupt the wellness industry.
The announcement has sent shockwaves through the mushroom startup ecosystem, where entrepreneurs have spent years attempting to convince investors that ancient fungal intelligence can be repackaged into premium nootropic gummies.
One prominent CEO dismissed the findings, insisting that mushrooms still represent a trillion-dollar opportunity if properly positioned within the emerging consciousness-as-a-service sector.
Meanwhile, Indigenous communities, underground cultivators, and people who simply enjoy walking through the woods expressed little surprise.
At press time, several venture capitalists were reportedly assembling a task force to explore how to monetize the discovery that not everything needs to be monetized.