WASHINGTON, D.C. — Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. unveiled a sweeping initiative today to replace fluoride in the nation's municipal water supply with a proprietary blend of longevity peptides, marking what officials described as "America's first biohacked public utility."
The program, dubbed TapMaxxing™, promises to deliver microdoses of research-grade peptides directly through household faucets, eliminating the need for Americans to order their daily research chemicals from Telegram vendors and Chinese laboratories.
"Every time Americans brush their teeth, wash the dishes, or accidentally swallow pool water, they'll also be supporting healthy aging," Kennedy announced while standing beside a life-size molecular model and three shirtless biohackers wearing continuous glucose monitors.
According to a 2000-page implementation plan circulating on Discord, residents will eventually be able to customize their peptide stack through a government smartphone app, selecting goals including "cellular rejuvenation," "executive performance," "healthy inflammation," and the "Kid Rock Protocol".
Social equity advocates immediately demanded public reporting on municipal peptide concentrations, warning that wealthier zip codes would inevitably receive premium stacks while underserved communities were left with generic amino acids.
The proposal immediately ignited a bidding war among biotech startups, with several venture-backed companies chartering jets into DC to make offerings of ketamine and cash to influence peddlers before the legislation had even been introduced.
Hogan Rogan, CEO of peptide startup InfiniteSelf Bio, praised the announcement as "the most important public infrastructure investment since electricity."
Critics questioned the scientific evidence supporting the initiative, though many admitted the policy sounded "on-brand for 2026."
Meanwhile, functional mushroom companies watched nervously as investors began asking whether Lion's Mane could also be dissolved into public reservoirs.
At press time, municipalities were reportedly preparing pilot programs allowing premium neighborhoods to upgrade to a luxury peptide blend featuring exclusive monthly formulation drops and limited-edition collagen releases.