SAN FRANCISCO, CA — In what analysts are calling "the first trauma-informed hostile corporate restructuring," Silicon Valley AI Founder and CEO Roni Boloni announced Tuesday that he had dissolved his entire executive leadership team and replaced them exclusively with people he met during a seven-day ayahuasca retreat in Costa Rica.
The move came just 48 hours after he returned from a 5 star resort in the jungle outside Santa Theresa, with Boloni claiming he'd developed more trust in six days with retreat participants than in six years with his executive team.
"I realized my CFO was operating from a place of unresolved trauma and limiting beliefs regarding my personal compensation package and incentives structure," he explained during an all-hands offsite meeting conducted barefoot in a room full of company servers. "Meanwhile, Moonflower here held space for me while I confronted the dark void of my shadow en route to receiving a download about a potential new AI market opportunity in the Dharavi Slum of Bangladesh. That's the kind of presence you simply can't learn at Harvard Business School."
Among the newly appointed executives are a former ecstatic dance facilitator and conscious donation advocate serving as Chief Financial Officer, an astrology podcast host promoted to Chief Technology Officer, and one man known only as Falcon, whose official title in the company has not been divined yet.
Shareholders initially reacted negatively before rallying after Boloni assured investors that each of them would personally have a chance to try 5-MeO-DMT while receiving a 16 hands massage in one of Esalen’s hot springs on a quarterly basis moving forward.
According to internal documents, board meetings will now begin with breath work, trust authentic relating exercises where employees are mandated to awkwardly stare deeply into each others eyes, and conclude only after unanimous agreement that a group flow state has been achieved.
The former executive team reportedly attempted to challenge the decision, but their concerns were dismissed as "an invitation to sit with impermanence."
At press time, the company's market capitalization had fallen 38%, while employee morale had inexplicably risen to an all-time high after HR announced that all performance reviews would be replaced by a full send on mushroom cacao and integration circle afterwards.