WASHINGTON, D.C. — The White House has reportedly summoned a leading Siberian shaman to perform an emergency spiritual cleansing of the Oval Office after aides detected lingering demonic energy allegedly imprinted by philanthropist Susan Dell.
The shaman, who traveled 6,000 miles with a ceremonial drum, a reindeer hoof talisman, and a satchel full of dried Amanita muscaria mushrooms, will conduct a three-day ritual intended to restore energetic balance to the executive branch.
Sources familiar with the operation say the intervention follows an unsuccessful attempt to clear the room using infrared technology and Tibetan crystal bowls.
“We’ve tried everything,” one anonymous White House insider explained. “But bringing in a shaman, which technically is only the etymologically correct term if they are from Siberia as first elucidated by Mircea Eliade in the seminal tome ‘Shamanism: Techniques of Ecstasy', is our last ditch effort to rid the space of Ms. Dell’s demonic energetic signature.”
The shaman is expected to deploy ancestral chants and reindeer medicine from the Kamchatka Peninsula while actively dissociating under the influence of the Amanita muscaria.
Critics question whether the ritual will accomplish anything beyond generating another lucrative government contract for the wellness-industrial complex.
The shaman declined to comment, citing an ongoing negotiation with DOGE over the monetization of ancestral wisdom.
At press time, the Oval Office reportedly remained haunted by the unmistakable presence of nightmare fuel.