In a surprise announcement that sent both policy analysts and armchair psychedelic experts into an ecstatic frenzy, President Trump has unveiled plans to add an adjoining luxury Ibogaine treatment clinic to the forthcoming White House ballroom.
Dubbed “Operation Transcend,” the program aims to bring the powerful psychoactive alkaloid Ibogaine, extracted and commercialized extralegally from the African shrub Tabernanthe iboga in direct violation of the Nagoya Protocol, into the heart of American fascism. According to insiders, the ballroom’s crystal chandeliers will remain intact “to enhance introspective journeys,” while the Oval Office is currently functioning as a part-time, temporary Ibogaine clinic to meet administration demand.
“There are a lot of supersoldiers and Manchurian Candidates who are already benefitting from this treatment. Total reset. Nobody does resets like we do,” Trump said during a press briefing, gesturing toward a rendering of what appeared to be a hybrid between a Mar-a-Lago spa and a Bwiti initiation temple.
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The plan, still light on clinical details, has already attracted interest from a cross-section of Washington regulars. Lobbyists are said to be exploring “post-ibogaine special forces redeployments," while several members of Congress have quietly inquired whether the treatment could be administered “off the record.”
Critics, however, have raised concerns about the fusion of executive power and one of the most intense psychedelic experiences known to man. “Ibogaine is not a ribbon-cutting opportunity,” one anonymous neuroscientist noted. “This could backfire and cause some people to question the administration if not done carefully.”
Still, early adopters within the President’s inner circle appear undeterred. Sources report that a pilot session resulted in at least one senior Washington official renouncing democratic principles, deleting three burner phones, and falling in line with the stated goals of Project 2025.
At press time, the White House confirmed it is also considering an Ibogaine microdosing protocol for cabinet meetings, citing improved morale and blind acquiescence to the party line.