LOS ANGELES — Cannabis entrepreneurs across Southern California are reportedly scrambling to assess the geopolitical implications of President Donald Trump suggesting that Iran could potentially “take out” Los Angeles and San Diego, with many industry insiders agreeing that the real problem may be even more serious: the weed has been kind of mid lately.
“If Iran wants to destroy San Diego, that’s unfortunate,” said one dispensary owner, standing beneath a neon ganja sign in a strip mall parking lot. “But honestly, we’ve brought this upon ourselves by pandering to the lowest common denominator and racing to the bottom on industry pricing.”
The comments have sent shockwaves through the California cannabis industry, where operators are reportedly preparing contingency plans that mostly include relocating operations to Texas to simply run up a bag before the big one drops.
Several dispensaries have already announced emergency “End of Civilization” sales, offering 30% off select indica strains and a free pre-roll with purchases over $10.
Meanwhile, psychedelic entrepreneurs have begun pitching a new category of post-apocalyptic wellness products designed to help Californians process the collapse of civilization.
“Cannabis helped us get through COVID,” said one venture capitalist. “Now we’re building the platform that helps people blaze their way through World War III.”
At press time, dispensaries across LA and San Diego were reportedly selling out of their finest flower.
Mostly because nobody wants to die with mids in the house.