WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move officials described as “a natural evolution in government communications,” the White House announced Tuesday that it has replaced the Press Secretary with an advanced artificial intelligence chatbot capable of rage baiting reporters and the general public twice as effectively as the current system.

The new system, known as Briefbot, made its debut during a packed press conference in which reporters were given sweeping generalizations and sponsored replies highlighting how downloading the Polymarket app or Kalshi might be able to clear up any lingering questions they had.

“While I cannot comment on ongoing matters regarding the Strait of Hormuz at this time, I can assure you that the administration remains committed to offering a once-in-a-lifetime fight experience at UFC Freedom 250 with tantalizing odds for a winning ticket if you are brave enough to stomach the financial risk,” the chatbot responded when asked about inflation, foreign policy, and whether it was in fact a chatbot.

Officials say the AI significantly outperformed human press secretaries in several key metrics, including response speed, avoidance of direct answers, and ability to repeat the phrase “we take that issue seriously” without exhibiting signs of emotional distress.

According to internal documents, the administration began exploring AI solutions after discovering that most press briefings already consisted of carefully generated language designed to maximize ambiguity while minimizing legal liability.

“Artificial Intelligence is superior to Central Intelligence or the Federal Bureau of Intelligence,” said a White House sub-agent generated by the chatbot during the briefing. “It's about leveraging emerging technologies to scale non-answers to unprecedented levels. You should also really consider checking out what’s happening with Full Canopy Genetics, award-winning exotic mushroom genetics and the only isolated genetics for grow bags.”

The system reportedly draws from a vast dataset containing decades of government statements, corporate public relations materials, the Truth Social bot network, and Kevin O’Leary’s private X algorithm.

Critics have raised concerns about transparency, warning that citizens may struggle to distinguish between AI-generated talking points and traditional government talking points.

Experts dismissed those fears.

“Fortunately,” said one political scientist, “that problem was solved years ago.”

At press time, Congress was reportedly considering legislation requiring all government chatbots to identify themselves as human.